It’s been a quiet few months around these parts. I’ve been busy moving home, but more importantly I’ve been nursing an existential crisis. I’m going to try and keep this as light hearted as possible.
Now, I’m no stranger to feeling this way (three cheers for anxiety and depression!). I’m a deep thinker and tend to go inward even when I’m happy, but this time around it’s been slightly different. Usually existentialism will lead me down a path of super-useful questions like “Is there a God?” and “Why are we here?”. This time though, I’ve been more focused on my contributions to my own existence: “What is my role in this reality?”, “Where am I going?”, “Is this what I wanted from life?” etc. I’ve been more selfish, but a positive kind of selfish.
After thinking on these questions it quickly became apparent that I didn’t really like who I’d become was or where I was going in life: I’d completely lost myself and had been drifting along for the better part of a decade. Now, this could be seen as a bad thing. Not knowing you’re lost can leave you confused, fearful and angry – which I was for quite a long time – but knowing you’re lost gives you a chance to get back on track. From that aspect losing yourself becomes pretty exciting. An opportunity to shake things up a little.
I’d begun to coast; I’d stopped making plans and instead got preoccupied with stress and worry. It got so bad that I ended up becoming a passive observer of my own life for the most part. I gained a lot of weight, I avoided visiting the doctor. In fact I seemed to be trying to avoid myself at all costs.
It’s funny how you can spend so much time worrying about what you should be doing or what is expected of you (whether real or imagined), that you can forget who you are and lose sight of your dreams in the process.
So, back to why the blog has been quiet lately: After realising I was unhappy I figured that something had to change, so I decided “Why not change everything?”. I began meditating again, leaving the house more often (really, I was in a bad place for a while there), I moved town, and most importantly I’ve started loving myself and enjoying my existence, focusing on the things that make me tick, and confronting my fears (still not over my moth phobia though…yuk!).
All of this self discovery and moving towns has left little time for blogging, but I’m back and I plan to grow Cosmic Kick in to something more inspiring over the coming months.
So, I haven’t gone in to details much here – I may do in the future – but I wanted to let you know where I’ve been and hopefully if you’re going through something similar you might identify with what I’ve written here.
Lessons from depression and anxiety:
- You don’t have to worry about being normal; literally everyone is a weirdo. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.
- Stop worrying about what people think of you. It’s likely that no one is keeping tabs and those who are only do so because they themselves are lost.
- The most important person on the planet is you. No really, show yourself some love. I didn’t get it for a long time. “I can do nothing for you but work on myself…you can do nothing for me but work on yourself!” – Ram Dass.
- A powerful quote I heard this morning in a podcast: “If you inquire in to the hurt you know what you are experiencing is love.” – Deneen Fendig (Mother of Comedian Duncan Trussell).
- If you’re feeling suicidal you probably don’t want to die. Underneath all of that pain you just want out of your situation. Find a way to make life work for you and reach out to someone.
Do you have any tips or a favourite inspirational quote? Leave them below for others to check out 🙂